I recently saw this post in Instagram... and while a lot of people LOLed on the comments, there were also people like me who felt bad about it. For those who don't understand, these are all Merry Christmas greetings in different languages, but the last one in Filipino translates to "hey, you've become fat!"
I never knew there was a thing called 'body shaming' until I encountered my first when I moved to the Philippines more than a year ago. Before that, I was in India where I lost so much weight because I was forced to be a vegetarian and I was sick half the time. So naturally when I left India, I got back to my normal eating routine and happily gained back my full health. For me, I felt I was just getting back to normal. I didn't feel any big change because I still fit perfectly into my old clothes. Then suddenly I came back here and all the people who hadn't seen me after a long time would say:
Oh Farzaneh, you've added so much weight, what have you been eating?! You've become so fat! What happened to you?!
The normal reaction is to just smile, I mean what else am I supposed to say?! What do people expect back when they tell you things like that? Am I supposed to say thank you? Am I supposed to defend myself and explain? At one point when I complained about this to my Dad, he joked and said tell them "yes of course, because I've been enjoying life". That helped me smile about it... for a while.
At first I told myself, okay these are people who haven't seen you in 3-5 years, so ofcourse they see a change. I went about life normally, but I still kept getting comments from people who hadn't seen me in a matter of weeks. There was lady who hadn't seen me in two months and one day she exclaimed "Farzaneh! You've gained so much weight! This is very bad for a girl your age! What are you eating?!"
That was the first time I felt deeply insulted and embarrassed because she said this very loud and people around looked at me. My smile turned upside down and my sadness and hurt were so obvious. I told this to a few friends that day, and they cheered me up by telling me "don't mind her; she does that to me too".
But I avoided going to that place for three weeks, because I didn't want to see this lady again. Then just when I returned to that place, I saw another woman. I greeted her goodmorning, she smiled back at me, came up to me and started squeezing/gently pinching my arms...and quietly whispered "you're becoming fatter". My heart cried because all I did was greet her good morning - and instead of greeting me back goodmorning, all she did was make me feel bad (face it, who feels good about being told they've become fat!?) And this is a woman who has two daughters to think about!
This happened one more time this year, with a relative... he said "Farzaneh, you're becoming bigger and bigger" immediately after I kindly greeted him goodmorning.
So naturally, I looked inward. Did I really gain weight? I checked the scale - I've been the same for two years! one or two kilos up and down from time to time but that's all. I know myself - I don't like deep fried food (oily food make me dizzy) but at most I have french fries 1-2x a month. Sugar - there's only so much sugar I can have. I'm not obsessed with desserts - we don't keep sweets and snacks at home, so I have sweets occasionally. My only regular sugar intake is my 3-4x a week coffee. I didn't have to buy new clothes this year because I still fit into everything I've owned the last five years.
I've come to realize - it's not me; it's them!
I tried talking about this with some friends and we all came to the conclusion - body shaming is deeply ingrained in the Filipino culture. That's why everyone already expects to hear these comments from the lolos and lolas, titas and titos (yes, mostly from the older generation) when they go back home for holidays. I've seen other friends right before my eyes also get told that they've become fatter, or that they should lose weight. Ive seen them just smile, sometimes even laugh and I wonder... do they get bothered too, or am I just too sensitive?
I don't think so. Let's look at how Filipinos react with celebrities on social media. Filipinos can be the most supportive fans and yet at the same time the most cruel bashers. Let's take a look at Solenn Heussaff, who is among the country's top 10 "sexiest" women, and yet she cried on her reality show because some people call her "fat" on her Instagram posts. Her 'bestie' Georgina Wilson went through a social media hiatus earlier this year because she wasn't "slim" enough for the fans after she gave birth to her son.
When I look at the people who have body shamed me, or the accounts of people who body shame celebrities, NONE of them are slimmer than me. NONE of them are very fit. How ironic. If they were slim or fit people, then maybe they'd have a little authority to push us to better ourselves, but NO. They are not any better. So why do they do that? Does it help them feel less bad about themselves? I still find it hard to understand why people do that.
Never in my entire life have I looked at someone, younger or older (well, except my brother!) and told them they've gained weight. First, why tell them something they already know? Don't you think they look at themselves in the mirror and see the changes, or feel it when they put on clothes? Second, what if they're going through some health complications? What if they're unwell and it's causing the sudden weight gain? Third, I know what it's like to be told these things, and it makes me unhappy. Why would I do the same thing to someone else?
Before writing this, I googled "body shaming in the Philippines" and so many articles came up, from young girls - all pointing in the same direction that body shaming is deeply rooted in the Filipino culture. But that shouldn't always be our excuse, especially when it's hurting so many people! The most I do is keep distance from people who body shame me. Yes, I tend to seize all communication and interaction with such people because I don't want to surround myself with negativity. It does not mean we are in denial, either. I acknowledge that I am not my healthiest at the moment; I could exercise more. There are better ways of encouraging someone to take better care of themselves than to pointlessly yell "taba taba ka na!"
There are people, young girls and boys who kill themselves over this! Some people develop life-threatening eating disorders because of this! It's not enough to tell ourselves to be strong, grow thick skin, ignore the comments, just smile, or just accept that "it's a Filipino thing". If we do that, we are just allowing ourselves to always be victims when no one deserves to be a victim.
There are people, young girls and boys who kill themselves over this! Some people develop life-threatening eating disorders because of this! It's not enough to tell ourselves to be strong, grow thick skin, ignore the comments, just smile, or just accept that "it's a Filipino thing". If we do that, we are just allowing ourselves to always be victims when no one deserves to be a victim.
I don't have the solution - I don't know how to stop it. All I can say is let's go back to what we all learnt in kindergarten... If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all!
But if people really don't want to stop talking, then we should learn to talk back. We shouldn't hurt back, of course. There are times I want to tell people who call me fat "thanks, it's because I'm trying to become like you" but that will go no where. I guess we can all try to talk back as nicely as possible and tell them we don't appreciate such comments. Most times they unconsciously say these things, and all we ever really do is smile back and say nothing, so that interaction ends there and then.
But what if it didn't have to be a full stop, and we turn it into a conversation instead? We don't need to try and defend ourselves (because we weren't even supposed to be attacked in the first place) - so I don't think we need to say things like oh, but I've been eating healthy; oh, but I am on a diet; oh, I'm just so stressed out from work; oh, it must be my hormones; I'm trying really hard; my colleagues are always giving me free food. We should not be made to explain ourselves to anyone.
"Farzaneh, you've added so much weight!"
"Great, so what's the problem?"
It's about time I hear them reason out, and let them know this is not okay.
***
I also know that social media contributes a lot to this. We see photos of women across the world, they set trends and we all just want to follow. In some parts of the world, beauty is wide hips and thick thighs. In other parts of the world, people are naturally slim, generation after generation. There is no universal physical standard of beauty. That will be another blog post on its own.